Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
