clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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