i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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