Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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