He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
