meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
