Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
