Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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