I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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