I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
