everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
