I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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