I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
