I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
40s are totally the cure
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
