I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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