I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
