I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
