I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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