remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
