Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
