my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We are all done wearing pants today
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
