I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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