Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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