Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
