hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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