Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
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how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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