Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
