I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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