and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
