dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
