Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
