I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
