Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid