she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
