New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
