Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
