if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
