Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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