Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
