im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
