guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
