Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
