I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
