god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
