The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
