we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
