Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
