Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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