Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
