I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He felt like a one man threesome
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
