"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
