Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
