My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
