So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
