The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
