he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
