The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
birth control should be required to get into college
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
