My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
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Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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