What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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