I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
