went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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