my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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